Miramar, FL
Some thoughts about the birth of Solange..
About a week ago I had my so much wanted HBAC. With the help and support of my team, my baby girl was born at home, received and blessed by her family, and a very much transformed and accomplished mommy.
Before we conceived Solange, I knew he/she wanted to come to the world in a particular way. Maybe because it would influence her journey or maybe to give me the gift of feeling what a natural unmedicated birth feels like. Perhaps to fill in the emptiness I felt when my previous birth unfolded in a c-section, due to my own lack of information. I like to think it was her gift to me. I believed, if able to birth naturally I would heal a great deal, and even the perspective of my previous birth experience would positively change.
At 40w2d I went into intense prodomal labor, with real labor kicking in on 40w6d. Exhaustion was one of the worrying factors, but the body becomes your ally as long as your mind and soul stay strong. Labor went very fast at certain stages and seemed to take forever in others, as she positioned herself and lowered into the birth canal. The beauty of this experience is that there is nothing else there other than you, your baby, and God. So if the process takes a certain amount of time, there is probably a reason why. I found that listening to my body and my baby at each stage was critical. Even if it didn't make much sense... It worked for me and it helped me progress because that is what my body needed. The whole idea of a home birth is so you are in contact with yourself, having an experience no one has written for you. An experience that will unfold as your earthly being and your soul needs it to grow.
It's a growing experience.
An initiation.
Still a week later, when it's all quiet and peaceful, I can hear and see myself through the birth of Solange. I see myself through the process, and I have come to understand the meaning of each stage, which lessons needed to be learned to advance to the next level, what ties had to be broken and which feelings, reborn.
I realized that as much as I thought I was ready and as much as I thought I believed in my body, when the labor started and as I walked through it, I had to give into the feeling that what was happening in me was much bigger than anything I had lived before.
I learned I had to disown the birth as "my experience", I learned that the journey wasn't mine, but through me. I learned to give myself to my child, fully, before she was born. My feelings of fear, pain, the "what could go wrong" feeling, I had to let go. Mine and those of the others around me. I had to look at their faces and let it go. I surrendered to the power and trust I found within.
The most amazing and puzzling sensation I still hold, is that as much as I look back, I would do it all over again, just as it was. I do not fully understand it, it amazes me! But I will so do it all over!
I had my dream birth. I realized after all that the dream birth is the one that happens and you allow to happen, not necessarily the one you plan for. I remember the smell, the lavander, the love, oh gosh the love! I felt so loved by all of the ones that attended my birth, how they respected my body, my intuition, my desires and those of my child. I appreciate so much the guidance, the help to walk my own path and not theirs.
My husband, my support, how much he gave during the process, battling fears and shielding the heaviest of emotions, to allow the miracle to happen.
That miracle unfolded itself in the most magical way. Being a VBAC I had to make peace with the fact that a transfer could have been a possibility, specially after 5 day of intense prodomal labor. I had to make peace with the fact that I could have ended up with another c-section and my birth would have still been the perfect birth. It was in that moment that I questioned: why? Why am I doing it this way?
All I knew was I wanted my baby to finish her journey, to complete her transition to this world as she had started it. I let it to God, and my Doula. An army of angels surrounding us, a lot of trust, and true purified intentions welcomed Solange, my daughter.
I have learned an eternity bringing my daughter to this world. It was a transformational experience for me, and for my family. A true bonding journey, to seal the union as one of the heart and soul. Forever.